Faq Part 2
FAQ for newsgroup uk.rec.sheds, version 2&2/7th 1999-11-08 (roughly)
Ride of the Shedheads Theme Tune
Part 2 of 8 : Original faquette
This is JD's original faquette:
As a result of the alarming amount of confusion regarding sheds, I feel
duty-bound to set down here a distillation of my understandings in the
matter of shedding, as we know it today. Some of the items raised will
be contentious, but there is room for discussion, so let us remain calm
and have no more of the capricious exhibitions displayed by our more
angst-ridden posters. The questions below represent a fair cross-
section of those asked of me by both posters and emailers in this
matter. These questions and their answers, should, with your assistance
and input, provide an understanding of sheds which will be seen as a
triumph of glistering clarity. As this is not actually a newsgroup in
its own right, this presentation will be referred to not as a FAQ, but as
a faqette.
1. Q: What is a shed?
A: A slight or temporary erection built to shelter something;
an out-building.
(Ref: The "King's English" Dictionary. Pg 795. Published 1942 by
Books of Dignity and Service Ltd.) This esteemed tome shall be
deemed to be the official reference for all matters shedish.
2. Q: How do I know if I am a sheddy person?
A: If you are, you will know. If much of your life has been spent
with the uneasy feeling that you are not quite like other people
and if you are inclined to hoarding useless and broken items,
coupled with an inexplicable urge to find shelter for these items,
you could be sheddy. Budd has divulged secret childhood yearnings
for a shed. This is a powerful indicator.
3. Q: 'Is Doug's "outbuilding" a shed?' asks Muir.
A: Possibly, Max, possibly.
4. Q: "Is a gazebo a shed?" asks Fowler.
A: No.
5. Q: Several people have asked if a Nissen hut is a shed.
A: Special conditions apply in this case.
Slick, professionally built jobs: no.
Tack-ups from materials at hand: yes.
6. Q: "Who said I was a bedsit type?" asked Lynch.
A: He was off topic and drifted further to describe his fish supper
and his consumption of a lesser froggy wine. Not a shedster. He
also said, "I am outraged".
7. Q: "What is a Mk V-c?" asked Spence.
A: Well, only the most coveted of all sheds, that's all. Muir has one
with provenance that implicates Kitchener in its construction.
The Mk V-c is the archetypal shed with such features as: a knurled
door handle for ease of operation when you have slime on your
hands; a very small window with pre-installed grime to reduce
light ingress to a minimum; extra 4" nails on the studs to improve
hanging capacity; downwardly adjustable headroom to ensure that no
owner shall be able to stand fully upright.
8. Q: Will I require a building permit ?
A: No. Your local building inspectors are marplots and will require
such things as plans and safety features. Eschew regulations.
9. Q: Does a tree-house count?
A: Only inasmuch as they can be seen as a precursor to true shedness
and are generally the outward manifestation of a young lad's
desire to eventually become fully ensheded.
10. Q: What materials should I use?
A: It is generally considered good form to select only those
materials known to be esculent to a wide range of insects and
fungi. Used has preference over new.
11. Q: What exterior decoration might I undertake?
A: None. Dilapidation is the hallmark of fine sheds. Decorative
sedulousness is undesirable. Paint, finials, fretwork and the
like, are to be included in the nomenclature of contents and one
should never consider using them as embellishments. The
judicious application of runes is acceptable.
12. Q: What can I put in my shed?
A: The key to this is uselessness. If there is a possibility that
the item could have a future use, it should not be consigned to
the shed, the shelter of which must only be offered to the
shoddy, worthless, rejected and unusable items in your
possession.
This faqette is a work in progress and will only achieve its full
usefulness with your input and opinion. May you be blessed with an
exundation of shedding pleasures.
Hope this helps
Jeff Drabble.
[INTERMISSION]
In order that readers of this FAQ do not get bored and give up, we break
the overwhelming rush of data at this point for some light
entertainment, to whit, a poem from RonC:
I must go down to the shed again
for a bottled ale and a pie
And all I ask is a Stanley knife
and some Branston standing by,
And the nutmeg breath and a pint of meth
and the cobwebs shaking
And a rusty tinge on the door hinge
and the paintwork flaking.
I must go down to the shed again,
for the smell of the rising damp
is a wild smell like a rusty nail
or a wartime landgirls' camp.
All I ask is is some sloe gin
and a log to rest my butt
And the hay-bale and the pipe's smell
and the warm well-filled gut.
[RETURN TO FAQ]