The casual visitor to the Shed is presented with a bewildering range of expression: 44 this may range from the lucid and legible to the perplexingly obfuscated. First impressions cover the range of what appears to be the odd worm miss-tryped in otherwise Lily-white Langridge, through diseckdisslxedysselckz well, you know what I mean - Rules KO - to what may appear a splattering of, or even great swathes of an incomprehensibubble and unpronounceabulbul foreign language. 5
To be fair, sometimes it really is a foreign language, but usually this will be followed by an indication that it is such, in brackets afterwards, mainly for the benefit of the writer it is true, but nonetheless it is part of Sheddi convention and etiquette. (WOCAB)
For instance, one may quote George Dubbya and say "The French don't have a word for entrepreneur." (WOCAB) indicating the use of a French word. Before I give you this brief introduction to Sheddism I shall have to consult the Academie (WOCAB) Sheddi to remind me for what (WOCAB) actually stands.
Inevitably, certain Dubya-isms have found their way into Shedspeak TAAAW, as might be eggs spected, George Dubbya being Top Transpondian (USanian) and sometimes in the news, thusly providificating a furtle lexiconography and fount of arj worms.
Where was I? Oh yes, some words (or worms) are only slightly adjusted by convention, while others are spontaneously mangled to the writer's taste, or sometimes, lack of it. Too many odd speelings in a post will often attract criticism, even from Sheddi, for it may molish hard jbex - er - sorry: in the Shed we molish and mantle, and never, ever use the word 'work' on pain of the admonition 'NURZ!'. 97
Sheddi are extremely sensitive creatures and should never be subjected to alarm by eggs posure to words (hereinafter referred to as 'worms') such as 'work', 'useful', 'sell', 'buy', any metric references, etc., and many arbitrarily unchosen worms which have wormed their way into opprobrium for no very good reason. But it has to be understood that very good reasons count for little in the Shed.
You see, the Shed is a virtual shed, and one retires to it with a PP and a bockle of BA and seats oneself (and one's visitors) upon one of the virtual sacks of hardened cement which lean against the virtual wall, taking great care not to snag one's cardi on that nail over there - oops! Too late! The virtual red checky curtings are withdrawn to reveal a view of Utopia without.
44 Verbal, written, as Usenet hasn't got round to attaching vijo clips. 5 Called Rot for short. This refers to the rotation of letters by half an alphabet, not the intellectual content. 97 Except, of course, in this document.
Like a Tardis, the interior of the Shed is of infinite size, and connects to everyone else's virtual shed by virtue of Shedspace. Shedspace is a very abstruse scientific concept, tied together with string theory and a lot of weak force, which is usually pronounced 'tea'. 68
Shedspace often can be entered down the back of a sofa, and more especially, down the back of (Bob's sofa, where there can be found an alpha worm-hole to the great matrix (not to be confused with the Grand Matriarch, who is something else, and who wields the Labrys of State) 7 and this little-known facet of the cosmic continuum goes a long way to explaining why your Stanley knife always - I reiterate - always is found in the very last place you look for it. 215
There is in fact a beta wormhole in every house, workplace, vehicle and shed. This is always open when unobserved, 8 and attracts and then chomps biros, pencils and drawing-pins, and spirits them away using Quantum Mechanics, or if they are unavailable, Lard Roller Mechanics may be employed.
There are many constants in the Shed, many of which have like Topsy, just growed. A case - nay, a cleave - (Well, a jar or can, rilly) in point is Creomite. Creomite is a dark brown gooey (not Gooey) 666 substance which can either be spread thinly on wood to preserve it, or spread thinly on bread and butter as preserve.
Another transient constant, or constant transient, depending on their order, arrangement or malignment, is people, who are constant while not in a transient stage, and when they cease to be constant and fall off the end, when it is announced with regret (usually) that they have shut their Shed Door. People who have shut their Shed Doors include Samuel Pepys; King George (any); Prof. Alan Bullock; Len Vale-Onslow; Andrew Robert Buxton Cavendish, 11th Duke of Devonshire; Otto Skorzeny; Dr. Saml Johnson, Donald John Mackay, and the Queen of Tonga.
Others have had their Shed Doors closed for them, and these include Gaius Julius Cæsar, Benighted Mussolini; James Hanratty; Gaius Plinus Secondus; (These Gaii had a pretty rough time innit.) and Mary, Queen of Scots.
The standard unit of Shed-Time is the fortnight, thobut minuets are acceptabubble. (FSVO time.)
The standard Shedlength is a furlong, and for smaller fractions the fathom sometimes is used, or occasionally, the ell.
Volumetric measures may be in terms of bushels or galleons, or when referring to incoholic measures, thimbles, or rather betterer, pooter tankers, or even betterer still, skinfuls.
In the Shed, rude worms are usually eschewed, and are rotted or otherwise disguised. This is not because Sheddi are at all prudish - quite the reverse - but they do not like to thwack the sensibilities of others, especially visitors.
68 Yes please. Milk but no sugar, thank you. 7 Kran, who, having a waterbed and a labrys, holds the whole of Swansea to ransom on threat of a Tsunami. 215 There is an advanced theory using Shroedinger's cat and old tobacco tins, that if you continue looking for your Stanley knife after furkling in the last place you looked, you may or may not find something else which you might or might not have lost. (Yet.) 8 Ref. the tree in the quad 47
47 There once was a man who said: "God
Must think it exceedingly odd
If he finds that this tree
Continues to be,
When there's no-one about in the Quad. 25436
25436 Upon the hearing of which Bishop Berkeley was seen to stamp his foot. 666 Well-xaja Sheddi
GLOSSARY of TERMS
(This list is offered as a taster of Shedspeak and does not purport to be eggs horsed if.)
Abstrad - bastard - customised Bcrypt.
Arj - new (R)
BA - beer - literally, Brown Ale
Borked - broken (Usenet Standard)
Buddcrypt - (Sometimes Bcrypt or B/crypt) simple encryption invented by Dave Budd in which each pair of letters in a worm is transposed, so 'worm' becomes 'owmr'
Cleave - a word which can mean its opposite, whichever meaning you choose.
FLVO - for large values of
FSVO - for small values of
FVLVO - for very large values of
FVVO - for valueless values of
Goov - think (from Rot13, guvax)
IIUK - If I Understand Krectly
NURZ! - AHEM! (R)
O&D - B&Q (R)
Penc - crap (R)
PP - pork pie
PISIP - Pseudo-Intellectual Self-Indulgent Penc (The acne of literary attainment in the Shed.)
(R) - Rot13
RL - Real Life
Sillyhooters - sillybuggers (Complicated coding involvulatering a bit of RL, a bit of Buddcrypt, a bit of transmutation of dubble letters, all Rotted. Bugger » ubbgre » hooter.)
Superworm - a worm which is the same whether you rot it or Bcrypt it, such as boer, (obre) bore (ober) and naiver. (anvire) By their very nature most superworms are Top Rots TAAAW.
Svkrq - fixed (R)
TAAAW - Too, Also And As Well
TAAW - Too, Also, As Well
Top Rot - This is a worm which when rotted molishes another pronounceable worm, such as 'rhubarb', wot rots down to 'euhoneo'.
Tuits - units of time - get a round tuit - and for those who would like a few more tuits, they may be obtained from here.
(WOCAB) - French (Who Of Course Are Bastards) This is older even than The Shed, or it would have read ('WOCAA')
Wwd - would
Yntre - lager (R) (This worm may not openly be spoken in the Shed)
Zbarl - money (R)
Describing a graceful arc between artistically arranged tiers of fluffy white cumulus which were sailing magisterially around the azure sky, the small creomite-hued structure slowed, revolved on its axis for a nanofortnight-ish, gradually lost height, hoovered for a decananofortnight-ish as if deciding upon a meet place to meet the ground, and alighted with only the slightest bump amongst a patch of docks and nettles.
"Gosh!" Said a voice from within, musically mingled with the sound of a fire extingisher which were taking care of the alighted bit: "Oh golly-gosh! I really meant to wedge that lawnmolar in place with one of those Old Holborn tins. Now I'll have to get another jam-jar for those hardened paintbrushes. Hooter! Finding one with a layer of paint and white spirit residue up to the correct level won't be easy. Hooter!"
"Oh, Hooter, hooter, hooter!"
"I'll just have to ask Skipweasel to lwk out for one. Wait a mo' tho' - -
I'll just have a guddle down the back of (Bob's sofa. Wozzis? A Stanley knife? Got one of they somewhere, prolly down the back of (Bob's sofa somewhere innit.
"Ah. A nundred liras. (grope) A nold cardigan. (regrope) A safty pin and a box of empty sticking plasters. (more grope) This feels like a jam-jar innit. (dredges) A jar of pickled beetroot? Now I wonder -"
RETURN OF THE SHEDI
your shed here
Horizontal rules are difficult to take standing up. (Them) ò
They (Them) ñ are put there to indicate something-or-other wot mite be molished there at a letter date.
.........Has anyone seen my Stanley Knife?..........
DANGER BELOW! Unrotted worms may be encountered. Pomes
or visit the sauce of all widsom at uk.rec.sheds. Wissiters are adwised to lwk, weed and in woodly dijest before asking sensibubble questions, cos sensibubble questions invariabubbly invoke someone riding in like one of the Free ² Whoresmen of the Apoxy Lips on the Shed nonsencycle.